We’re pulling into the church parking lot to pick up the two drama girls when she asks the question.
Mama? How old are you when you are too old to have a baby?
Her question prods at that wounded area of my heart. The part I though was healed over a year ago. Quietly I question, “Why do you ask, sweetie?” She says, “Because, I want us to have another baby.”
I push down the rush of feelings I thought were long gone.
She doesn’t know that we lost two after her baby brother. She doesn’t know that there were also two before her. Or, of the first one we lost before our busy middle girl.
She doesn’t know that I’ve held onto a supernatural peace only He can give. And she doesn’t know how that peace came about.
By counting the gifts. Counting the five that we do have. As well as the joy and then pain of the five that were lost.
How can I dwell on what could have been when those that are – are gifts before my eyes?
This child, she doesn’t know it’s in counting the gifts that His joy is found.
“Look at that beautiful tree Mama!” …But she does know.
Counting the gifts, the blessings. It’s how to keep going. Giving thanks. In all circumstances. Leaning into His loving arms. Awaking to the aching and focusing on all I DO have. The many, many gifts! Children…hugging my legs, making messes, grinning toothlessly, clearing my pantry of food, filling my laundry room with mud-caked clothes…
These!!
- one answered prayer of a husband
- 14-year-old girl
- 12-year-old boy
- nine-year-old girl
- six-year-old girl
- almost four-year-old boy
- a baby niece to love on each week
- a new baby cousin!
- fellow homeschool mamas expecting babies!
- helping in our church nursery
- teaching four-year-olds in choir
- The gift of life – the comfort the Lord gave me two years ago
- Resting in His loving care
Counting gifts 2798 – 2815
Oh, WOW, Tricia, your words, heart, and faith are amazing to me. My heart hurts with you where you have hurt. My spirit rejoices with you, where you have found HIS peace , strength and thanksgiving!
Beautiful words about counting the gifts and being joyful in all circumstances. Thank you for sharing the thoughts of your heart with us. I’ll continue to pray that the Lord’s peace be with you!
Thank you ladies. Yes, it’s all Him!
yes, oh yes- thank you for sharing your heart my friend! beautiful – wish / pray all could just get hold of this truth!!!
I stumbled on your blog a few days ago… I am not even sure if I have commented before.. but I needed to read this post today! Thanks for sharing this part of your heart and how you keep going. I have 1 sweet little guy.. and don’t know if we will ever have anymore.. there are days I am consumed with the thought of it.. but I need to remember and keep coming back to what I do have and what amazing gifts they are!
So beautifully put! I have always counted myself blessed that I did not have my first miscarriage until after I had my first two children. The joy of being their mother got me through the next 14 years until we finally had Andrew. And God, in his infinite wisdom, gave us the most active little boy ever so I rarely have a moment to lament that he is essentially an only child. I am very thankful for the family the Lord has given me!
And I love to follow along with your stories of how your son keeps you on your toes! Yes, He has the infinite wisdom and only our best in mind.
Beloved Child,
You constantly amaze me with your strength and enduring faith. You are and always will be a blessing!
Forever,
Your Nana
Mama, your love and support is one of the blessings I count daily! Love you!
You all are such an encouragement to me! I always thought a Hodgepodge half dozen would be just right. But His plans are the greatest!
Beautiful. I have had only one miscarriage and it was so early on in the pregnancy that I hadn’t even known I was pregnant. I was amazed at how much I was sad and longed for that missed one. Now that I am approaching the age where I will be too old to have any more, I know what you mean about focusing on the abundance given. You are such a blessing to so many.
Beautiful. This is a topic that’s been on my heart lately, too… and I find that it’s often the joys of life that bring grief to the surface again. Thank you.
Thank you for opening up and helping me remember what thankfulness is in all circumstances.
I am reminded of the joy of my 1st pregnancy and then despair when I lost the baby. I was just going in for a final 1st trimester check-up, ready to move on to the 2nd trimester(when I could finally relax) and I was told they were going to take the baby, there was no heartbeat. I sometimes still feel the pain of that day, but I am quickly reminded that God had other plans for our family. Had I had carried the first baby to term, I would not have Thomas in my life. The trials I went through with the loss of a baby and Thomas’ health are a big part of the reason I walk so closely with the Lord today. He had plans, I didn’t understand them at the time, but I do now. I take much comfort in my circumstances knowing that He is in control and He has a plan for my life!
I love you, friend and send you prayers and hugs when you feel the pain rush back from your losses. Just keep your faith in Him and know that He is always in control!
Hmmm……isn’t He amazing that He made us woman…..to desire to bear children, to long for children, and to walk each day loving on children?! I also find in my heart a love for other people’s children. I rejoice quietly in my own heart at how handsome or beautiful my friend’s children are, how big they are growing up, how unique they each are……I can’t just stop with my own 😉 I am currently struggling with my youngest turning 8 and how the time is less each day that he looks or acts like my little guy. I carried him on my back to bed, not because I have a great back (I actually have disc degeneration in lower back), but because I don’t want it to be the last time I carry him to bed, so I rationalize that carrying him on my back is better than carrying him in front of me where the pull is stronger. I relish the fact I can still hug my teenage boy and that my pre-teen boy still lets me run my fingers through his hair. I don’t like the idea of last times. While I ride the emotion of wanting one more or being content with three, my husband seems to not waver at all. Not sure which is harder….my inconsistency in longing or no interest on his part but yet, no firm answer. I heard my 12yr old say that I was too old to have a baby and then I realized he didn’t understand our part in the matter. I wondered if they thought God just didn’t bless, not knowing that it’s been Him and us as we’ve journeyed through this life of struggling with the beliefs of having as many as God gives, staying open but controlling if not the time….all those different beliefs within the Christian community. Just my thoughts….no easy answers either. Grace to us all.
Okay, no fair making me cry this morning. 🙂
We had six years marked by emptiness and miscarriage between Mr. D and Mr. A. But, I like you don’t dwell on those darker days but chose to rejoice with the precious lives that were entrusted to me. I know you too deal with health issues, both in yourself and with your children. Life is not perfect but it is so, so sweet.
Choosing joy today along with you.
Thanks Tricia.
A beautiful reminder that so many of us need. I’ve not dealt personally with miscarriage, but with difficulty in conceiving. Kathryn has been my only pregnancy ever. I’d love another, even though I know it’s unlikely. But I choose to trust in God and rejoice in the fact that I did get to experience pregnancy and childbirth and a healthy child, and have since been blessed with a stepson and adopted daughter. There is far too much to be thankful for to allow myself to wallow in could’ve-beens.
Barb, you are right. Life is not perfect. But so very much of it sweet! Sometimes it is hard – with circumstances – to choose gratitude. But, He does tell us to give thanks in all circumstances. He also put the capability in our hearts. And, yes, how can I not be grateful? I am blessed beyond measure! Thank you for your thoughts Barb. Jamie – your testimony encourages so many – your blended family and adoption journey is a wonderful story of love and hope!